the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
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