Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
