I met the friendliest cop last night
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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