My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
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Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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