could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
