i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
