Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
