went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
