it wasn't lemon gatorade
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
