so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
