Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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