I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
