So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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