keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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