she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
