I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
