found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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