New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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