Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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