There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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