I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
