I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Randomize
