He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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