woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
