my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
sarcasm needs its own font
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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