Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
