Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Randomize
