My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
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