hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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