i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
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