Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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