yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
