it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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