He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
