im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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