Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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