"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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