Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
