i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
