look no pants
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
