My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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