i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
