i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
where are you?
Hypothermia
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
