weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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