I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
