Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
