we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
