So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
