she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
