I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
