I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
