Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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