I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
