Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
