halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
